The Most Confusing Floor Plan

Ya know when something ridiculous happens, and you're so tired that it just gets you annoyed just to think about it...and then a few hours go by and you realize just how hilarious it actually is?

Yeah, that happened tonight.

I am crazy tired, but I am NOWHERE NEAR as out of it as this guy was...



So a fellow came in eh, around midnight or so, with a group of extremely intoxicated individuals.  From the elevator he hollers, "HEY.  HEY.  HEYYYY."  Until I finally look up.  Then he starts babbling something about the number of x's...I'm confused...but he goes up the elevator and I sit my tired butt back down.

Several minutes later he comes back down the elevator, wobbles out, heads for the doors, spots me, and does his best to re-plot the course toward the front desk.  When he finally docks with the counter, he asks me where he might be able to find room 333.

Okay, it isn't really room 333, I changed that, but I'm not sure why.  Eternal Darkness reference for the win.

I tell him, why, room 333 would be on the third floor.  Just take the elevator to floor three and follow the room numbers up until you spot 333.

He asks...333?  Yes sir, 333.  Just press 3 on the elevator and follow the room numbers up.  He repeats the room a few more times, then goes back up the elevator.

Now...you should understand, that this is a really basic layout for a hotel.  It's not crazy at all.  Rooms that start with a 1 are on the first floor, a 2 on the second, and a 3 on the third.  Ta-da!  Each floor is linear - one side is 301, and it goes up as you go down the hallway.  Simple.  If you can read a room sign, you can find yours.

So it's, um, surprising when Donnie Drunko comes back down asking me if I was SURE that 333 was on the third floor, because he could not find it ANYWHERE.  He then hands me his key and goes, "This won't open the door."

"Oh, you found room 333?"

"Well...it won't open room 335 OR 305..."

"Yes, sir, that's because *points to key packet in his hand* you said you were in room 333.  I can re-key it for you right now."

I give him directions again, slowly, simply, and clearly, and he goes back upstairs to find his room.  Guys...it's on the third floor.  Go left out the elevator.  Right after 331, before 335.  *sigh*

A few minutes later he comes down majorly pissed off and throws his key cards across the counter at me.  He says he is checking out because our hotel is too confusing and he never even found his room!  I check him out, and he comes back inside a few minutes later asking why he never got the receipt that he had JUST signed and gotten a copy of...  So I print him a new one out and he makes a big stink about paying for the room (this is at about 12:30 AM... he had checked in 4 hours earlier).  I see his car in the carport and ask if he (being extremely, extremely intoxicated...as in too drunk to write...or you know...find a hotel room with a number posted by it in sequence) was planning on driving.  He quietly says no.  And then drives off.

Oh yeah.  That's safe.

Considering his buddies left for work around 4:30 AM or so, here's hoping he at least made it somewhere to sleep (or a cop helped him out with that part)...because he's not making it to work on time or in any kind of workin' shape.  Yipes.

Congratulations, sir, you are THE most intoxicated guest I have ever seen.  Your prize is one fuck of a hangover!


-Wednesday

(P.S. - HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!)

Make That...One Million Waters!

A rather large group of drunk fellers start coming through the door, all from the same group but one at a time. One guy comes over, grabs a big water, and pulls out a ten. He sets the water on the counter and I pull out his change of $7.29 while he comments on how we must get a TON of drunk people buying these waters.

I didn't say anything about the water fountain right next to it, just smiled while I opened a new roll of pennies.

Another of his friends comes through the automatic doors, and the guy whose change I am holding hollers, "Hey! You want a water?"

"SURE!"

So I put part of the change back and count out $4.58 in change.

Then another small bunch of his buddies come in and again he shouts, "HEY! Water?!"

"Hell yes!"

"Okay, I've got it!"

"WAIT! You have to pay for it?!"



So I put the bills back and recount out $1.88. Lordy.

-Wednesday

I Think You Have Your Answer

A couple of guys just walked in, announced their room numbers and the time they wanted wake up calls for. One of them had to double check he'd said the right room. Then he triple checked, JUST in case he said the wrong one out loud again.

As they head off to the elevator, I hear:

"...Wait, why did we leave the bar? They aren't closed yet. What are we doing back at the hotel?! How did we get here?"


Ahem, that's a good night, right there.

-Wednesday

The Cake Was Not, in Fact, a Lie.

Someone came in at the start of my shift tonight with a great big birthday cake and shared with everyone. Now there is blue dye on everything. But seriously...free cake! Woooooh!

Wooooooooooh!





A little while later I had a kid ask me if I could serve half a cheesecake. I wasn't entirely sure if he meant half of a cake, or half of a slice.

He meant half a slice.

I told him...I could serve him a slice and he could eat half of it...

He was dissatisfied with that option.



Lastly (for now) - we just had a big group of people spill out of a cab, make it halfway through the doors, stop suddenly in their tracks and loudly announce...

"THIS. IS NOT THE RIGHT HOTEL. No. This isn't right."
"Yes it is, man, this is the LOL Hotel! This is us!"
"No. THIS DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT."

Poor cabbie...

-Wednesday

Too Drunk for His Shorts

I just got flashed drunken man-ass. Yup.

So I'm hangin' out in the lobby while a new employee is learning to spread his own wings in the solitary realm of night auditing, when this fellow, who has been upstairs a few hours, comes down the elevators. He walks very carefully to the front desk and asks trainee for a new key.

Because he locked his in the room. With his wallet. When he came downstairs for a new key.

Because he locked his in his room.

With...with his wallet...

And we don't give keys out without ID, so I'm waiting for trainee to impress that fact upon drunk man. But it's hard to look. Because drunk man is playing with the belt loops on his shorts. And tugging them down. And back up again. So that I am repeatedly flashed one half of this man's cheeks. The top half.

Drunk man has to sit and have a glass of water to remember his name, address, and anything else we can use to make sure he's going...back...to the correct room, and only the correct room.

He finally gets us enough details and flashes me enough plumber's booty that he makes it back up to his room. I am battling nausea like a pro.

My retinas.

My...my retinas...

-Wednesday

Wooh. Sorry So Long!

I know I've been gone for a little while, and I'm sorry. A lot's been going down in my personal life, so I haven't had much patience for work, writing, or doing pretty much anything but those things which consume my personal life completely.

BUUUTTTT (haha, butts) I'm back! A lot of funny stuff has been happening that I haven't blogged about, but I can't remember it right now, because xanax is funny that way. So, short blog tonight, and funnier ones in the...FUUUUUUTURE! OooOOOOoooooOooooo...


Everyone's favorite drunkies just came in from you know, drinkin'. Actually I have no clue who they were but the drinking part was spot on. Anyhoo!

They order themselves some waters and snacks, and decide to set wake up calls. Mostly sober fellow requests a 6:45 AM call for his room, and asks if his friend wants one.

Sober: Hey man, you want a wake up call, too?
Drunkie: No, I'm okay over here, I have a muffin. A DELICIOUS MUFFIN.
Sober: Give him one for 6:45, too.
Drunkie: No, NO! Muffin.
Me: Worst that can happen is he hangs up on it, right?
Sober: Exactly.
Drunkie: ...Muffin...

I already like these fellas.



I also found the perfect picture to describe every single hotel guest between the hours of 5 and 8 AM:


See yous guys soon. :)
-Wednesday


P.S. - ...Why do cars keep pulling up and parking in the carport for an hour or two, then... just leaving...? O_o

This Was Going to Be a Tweet, but It Just Kept Coming (That's What She Said)

A couple of guys come in around 2 or 3 AM. One is tall, dark, and sober, and the other is short, stocky, and staring like there's two of everything but he knows exactly which ones to keep his eye on as long as he doesn't look away.

In this case, he picked the correct me to stare intently at for the duration of making the sober fellow a new key.

They both head up the elevator.

A little while later, Drunky McStaresalot comes back down the elevator and tells me his internet isn't working, and was that usual? I asked if his room was near the elevators, and he confirms it is, and I figure it's a connection problem because those rooms are the furthest from our routers.

I dig him out an ethernet cable.

"Ethernet cable. Ethernet. Ethernet. Cable. And I just plug this into the TV? Hardline."
"I'm not actually sure where the connection is, but it should be in that area, and it'll look a little like a phone jack."
"Ethernet cable. Okay. Ethernet."
"When you check out you can just leave that in the room, or bring it on down to us, either way."
"Okay. I'll do both."

Ten minutes later he comes down the elevator again.

"What's...the wifi."
"You need the password?"
"Yeah, what's the wifi."
"It's 123."
"123. It's 123? Okay. 123."
"Yep! 123."
"Okay....123."

Few minutes later he calls down. Keep in mind, he's never actually introduced himself and I have no idea what his name really is.

"Front desk, this is Wednesday, how may I assist you?"
"Hey. This is Mark." (Long pause)
"...Hi Mark. What can I do for you?"
"Well I'm trying to get the internet to work, and it's not working. Is that unusual?"
"What happens when you open your browser window?"
"Well I don't know. I don't know. I...*unintelligible* I don't know."
"Do you see the LOL Hotel logo?"
"Yeah, yeah. I mean it isn't working, it just redirects everything to the logo."
"And underneath that logo do you see a box?"
"...Yes."
"Just type in that box '123' and then press enter, and it should work fine for you from then on."
"Just put in...123?"
"Yes sir."
"Okay. 123. Bye."

Few minutes later.

"Front desk, this is-"
"Heyyy, this is Mark again. Every time, each time I open the browser window, it asks for a username and password. Is that unusual?"
"Are you still seeing the logo, or are you loading different pages asking for passwords?"
*Completely unintelligible*
"If you try the ethernet cable, you shouldn't need the password at all. Maybe try that?"
"It's, yeah, it's using the ethernet, it's full-blown wireless."

At this point I'm tired of this, and really don't want to explain to someone that intoxicated that he needs to USE the ethernet cable and not use wireless while just plugged IN to the ethernet, if he even was using it to begin with... but then the conversation goes in a whole other direction.

"What are you doing right now. Are you busy."
"I'm about to do some work, yes sir. I'll be busy for a couple of hours." (Read - don't bother me more after this)
"So you're about to haul ass?"
"What?"
"You're leaving?"
"...No, I'm here until 7. I'm just about to be busy for a couple of hours is all."
"Is anyone down there? Down there with you?"
"...No...just me..."
"What's your major."
"What?"
"What are you majoring in."
"I'm not IN college." (at the moment, but none of his beeswax?)
"What are you doing with your life."
"IsthereanythingelseIcanhelpyouwith?"
"Oh, sorry, my bad. Thank you."
"No problem, sir, good night."



*sigh*

-Wednesday

Oh, You Make Me Feel Like Such a Success in Life, You Know That?

I keep meaning to make up a fake life story to tell curious guests (because my number one pet peeve is getting asked if I go to the local, huge college, followed closely by pitying me for working the night shift, tied with telling me to wake up) but I've just never gotten around to it. Well, that's not true - I've made up tons in my head, but they're all a little ridiculous. Like:

"Oh me? My birth parents mailed me by USPS to a circus, where I was raised juggling monkeys for my dinner. It sure was tough back then, but I'm so happy to be here now, where YES I DO happen to go to this college here in town that everyone under the age of 30 attends and everyone over that age is employed by. I mean, the apartment I live in doesn't really know about the monkeys yet, but I'll be graduating with five degrees come May and I just couldn't be happier!"

or maybe

"Do I go to school here? Why yes, yes I do. All five of my parents were alumni, too, before they all died of Tuberculosis last year. You've had a vaccine, haven't you? Because I'm kind of susceptible."

or perhaps

"Oh, I'm from here. I was born in this very building, actually! I have a slight fear of leaving, but my parents sure didn't! They travel the world and send me back suitcases of money, gold, and treasures every month. I spend it on cars, and then drive them around the parking lot. Or sometimes I spend it on really nice work clothes. I'm happy here - and I never want to leave here, and I'm definitely not a slave worker stolen at birth. Soda? Sure thing, that'll be $2.17."



Anyways. I should probably make something up one of these nights. And then stick to it. In any case, this conversation just happened with a meandering drunken fat man who wandered in a few minutes ago:

"Good evening! How are you doing tonight?"
"*Shrugs* You stuck workin' the late shift?"
"Oh, not stuck! I work it most nights, 11-7! (being cheerful)"
"Woah. That sucks."
"No, no, I like it."
"You go to school here? *Staring at my wedding ring*"
"Nope."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"...?"
"Well, it's none of my business. *Walks off* Well, good for you for workin'."


...What just happened? XD

-Wednesday

He Was Trying to Jog His Memory. Get It?

First of all - guess what!!! I get a night off manana! WOOHOO! :D

In other news!

A guy just came in asking where another hotel was. I gave him general directions, but he insisted I look it up for him. While I'm google mappin' it, his buddy comes in and slams his face into our door.

Like, full-face smashitude.

He stumbles halfway in with his hands on his face, falls to his knees, and crawls the rest of the way in. His friend says "it's okay, he's Canadian."

When the guy finally gets to his feet and I see that I do not, in fact, have to call an ambulance, he asks "Where's...where is the...that place..."

His friend tells him I'm already looking it up.

Typity-typity-type.

"HEY! What's that on your hand?" Asks Mr. Canada.
"It's a tattoo, man, DUH!" Cuts in his friend.
"Actually it's just henna, kind of a tradition - I'm getting married in a couple of weeks." Esplains I.
"It's what religion?"
"No, not a religion, just a tradition. We have some close friends from India."
"So, it's Islam?"
"NO DUDE THAT'S NOT A RELIGION. It's Muslim."
"Um.....
...
Just take a right on Road and it'll be on your left. If you've passed Place then you've gone too far."
"OH OKAY, thanks bye!!"


Yeah. That happened.

-Wednesday

Maybe They Wanted Us to Wonder

So, this past weekend was EXTREMELY busy. Which meant we were packed full of very strange people. Some of whom did very strange things. Such as the car who parked in front of our hotel for an hour but never got out. EVER. Observe:

For those of you who can't read my napkin-font, a transcript:

Bossman: There is a guest here for you. (Looks like Calvin)
Me: Yeah.

(Half an hour later)
Bossman: Why are they still there? (Looks like a douche)
Me: I don't know.
Bossman: One is moving his arm around funny.

(Half an hour LATER)
Me: We should throw eggs at them.
Bossman: YES. (Looks like a lesbian. I can't draw my bossman.)



I really can draw. I just have this style. From a long time ago. But I can actually draw. HUSH.


Also, around 6:45 AM in the morning a man came down the elevator, walked all around our breakfast area, through the lobby (I almost typed that "blobby," which is way cooler), outside, back inside, and back upstairs, all while rubbing an electric razor all over his face-hair.

Yeah.

Think about that next time you have a continental breakfast.


-Wednesday

Gettin' Some Valuable Feedback Over Here

"WELP. Feels like they turned the AC off, so I'd better head to bed." (We didn't)
"My room was FREEZING last night!"
"Well the thing is - the bed is exactly between the unit and the thermostat. So you have to carefully calculate the optimum temperature before gettin' into bed."
"Yeah, because the AC is RIGHT ON the bed!"
"Right on the bed."
"That was the good thing about the handicapped room - you had some distance between the bed and the AC unit."

Huh. Good ta know. *Scribbles notes*



Few minutes later...

"They make ya a waffle?"
"Tell you what, that was the best damn waffle ya ever had, because ya didn't have to make it!"
"SERIOUSLY, it was PERFECTION!"

*Scribble scribble*



Few minutes later, on their way to the elevators...

"I Cee Lo Green you."
"I Cee Lo F you."



People are basically awesome.
-Wednesday

Meanwhile, Across the Hall, Some Guy Just Banged a REALLY Pretty Hooker.

The elevator goes up.

Then the elevator comes down.

Next, while three or four guys snicker uncontrollably in the elevator, a man in full horse/donkey/prettypony mascot garb shuffles out. He shuffles two steps down one direction, turns around, tries the other way, and shuffles into the opposite elevator. A guy in a different, unidentifiable, black mascot outfit shuffles behind him, trips, falls in slow motion, and then slides his way into the elevator as well.



Both elevators go back up.

-Wednesday

Oh. Lordy.

First contact with (crazy people) restaurant starter-upper-people:
Woman comes around the counter, hugs me. Becomes frustrated when I don't hug back hard enough, goes in for hug #2, saps a little piece of my soul. And tore it to pieces. And threw every piece, into, a fire.

Next contact. Crazy people stay up drinking, partying, and running around the hotel until 5 AM, past when people start waking up and using the gym.

Next contact. Crazy people go to bed early, but let themselves behind the counter while I'm gone for LESS THAN A MINUTE to retrieve booze from the fridge. Thankfully, it is their booze. Heart attack averted.

Next contact. Begin to notice effects of contact with crazy people. Fairly certain soul is being sapped longterm, I shall call it soul poison, -2 hp per round. Crazy people come in drunk, juggle oranges, dropping and hurling them across lobby, try to place them back in basket. When asked for them to be handed back, crazy people instead run them across the lobby and hide them in the breakfast fruit basket, citing that now I can't possibly determine which oranges were horribly maimed.

Most recent contact. Fear for life, only need to survive 4.25 more hours of exposure. One crazy person, accompanied by two crazy people peers, sits on chair in lobby and squishes face matter into a pout. Refuses to move until she gets what she wants. Eventually is convinced to go to room, but peers return. Whispering ensues, and one begins to sob, covered in ritualistically decorative glowsticks, beads, and a feather boa. Peer #2 escorts peer #1 outside to presumably relieve the sprinklers of their tasks for the night. Four more crazy people have inhabited the lobby and are exponentially increasing Soul Poison's effect.


If I don't make it, tell my dog I love her, my cat where the catnip is, and my fiance that he owes me a barbeque chicken pizza.


Signing off.
Wednesday.

Aw...My Poor, Violated Paper.

Jeez...we have such an odd group in tonight.


So, a fella comes over, says "Mildred Topplehouse." No he doesn't. He says a real name. But he doesn't say anything before or after it, and looks at me, waiting expectantly. I'm confused. I ask him...what...he wanted...in some kind of more-polite terms. "Can you connect me to Mildred Topplehouse?"

Gee...sure. Let me just transfer you right over. I mean, it isn't as if there was a guest phone around the corner, or even one in your room.

Just hang on a second, while I connect your call.

Same fella comes over a little bit later and, almost proudly, proclaims "McToodles!" But, you know, a real last name.

There is no one named McToodles in our system. Ah cannot a-transfah ya call.

Fella is outraged that no one is awake.



Couple minutes later, fella's friend comes over while on his cell phone and asks to borrow my pen. I'm trying to do credit card authorizations, and had just started writing out the list of room numbers, but I figure eh - just gonna grab another pen. It's a pen. So whaaat.

He does say thank you, to his credit, as he grabs my paper, too.

He brought me back the pen.

I needed that paper...



A little while later, a guy calls down asking about how to connect to our internet. This is a good, albeit complicated, question, since I can see on the phone that his room is near the elevator, which is the farthest you can possibly get from a router and still be inside the hotel. We place them at the ends of each hallway, so elevator rooms are sadly internet deficient.

Anyways, I walk the guy through how to connect, and he is very, very confused. It should be simple. Connect to any wifi signal with our hotel's name in it, open your browser window, and enter the password. Bam! Interneted. This guy is wondering if he should create some kind of profile...and it's confusing me, too. Finally we get him connected, and I tell him to open his browser. A long moment of silence passes. Eventually he says "okay, I'm coming down." *click*

Say whaaaa? I'm not IT. Y u come down to bother meeeee.

Actually, still haven't seen that guy. Must have figured it out. Meh.



Oh...and people who think they are funny. You know the ones. They happened tonight. They came in at 11:30 and started howling about how they caught me sleeping, I'd better stay awake! And then when they press floor 1 and the door closes and opens right back up again in the elevator, they take the opportunity to holler out and make sure I hadn't fallen right back asleep again! HAW HAW HAW.

I got here half an hour ago mothahfuckahs. YOU are going to sleep. I'm just gettin' this party started.



A guy just walked down the hall in a towel. There MIGHT have been shorts of some kind underneath...but I'm not positive. All I saw was a towel.

Then my eyes were burned out of my skull.



This is going to be an interesting night.
-Wednesday

Tax-Max!

So this woman comes stumblin' in with her two friends from New York, and they're promising each other they'll facebook each other and hang out in the future. One of them is flying to Houston, and drunk woman says:

"You gotta have Tax-max!! You haven't been to Houston unless you've eaten Tax-max outside. And have a margarita. You have to have Tax-max and a margarita outside in Houston!"

Mmmmm.

I could really go for some good ol' Tax-max.

-Wednesday

Two Russian Guys Walk into a Bar...

Or they tried to, anyways.

These two Russian fellas walked in at a little before 3:30 AM and asked when breakfast started - I told them 6:30 AM.  They looked at each other for a sec, and walked back toward the front door saying they were going to take a walk for 3 hours then come back for breakfast.

They walk back in a half hour later, arms out, saying "It's closed!"

"What's closed?"

"The Hilton!"

"...The whole Hilton?"

"No, the front desk is open, but the BAR is closed!"

"...yes sir, it's state law to stop serving alcohol at 2 AM."

"...That's a stupid law."

"Yeah, I know a lotta people who'd like to change it, heh."

"You should tell Bush to change it."  *walks off to elevators.*

Oh my god, I laughed for like five minutes straight after the elevator doors closed.  So many things were wrong with that, but they were so hilariously cheerful about it.  Besides, accents.


-Wednesday