Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Teenage Boys Should Not Exist

Somebody's mothers should have beat them upside the face with bars of soap. Seriously.

Four teenage guys come in and walk toward the elevator. A truly deafening stream of profanity gushes from their mouths until the doors close. They return a few minutes later and head toward our food and drink while one friend branches off and walks down the hallway.

Asshole #1: How much is a sandwich?
Me: $8.50 before tax.
Asshole #1: *Jaw drops* EIGHT FIFTY?! *turns to friends* EIGHT FUCKING FIFTY for a FUCKING SANDWICH.
Me: We make them personally - they don't come pre-made.
Asshole #2: *saunters up to counter* Are the sandwiches REALLY $8.50?
Me: Yes...we make them here... *shows menu*
Asshole #2: EIGHT FIFTY. Jesus fucking Christ.
Me: Yes. $8.50.
Asshole #3: Can I buy this drink?
Me: I can only take in cash at the moment, is that alright? (I was running close day) It's $2.17
*Asshole #1 & 2 are still bickering about the sandwich and staring in awe at the menu*
Asshole #3: Yeah, that's fine. *Pays $2.25* Keep the change.
Me: Thank you...
Asshole #1: Is there like...a dollar menu? HUR HUR HUR HUR!
Asshole #2: HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR. #*^$*#$*#*^%!@
Me: No.
Asshole #1: Look, bro, fuckin' appetizers! I didn't think of appetizers. (wtf?)
Asshole #2: Oh, bro, you can get a fuckin' 8 inch pizza for 8 bucks!
Asshole #1: 8 inches for 8 dollars?
Asshole #1: HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR. &^%!$*%@$#%$^%!
Asshole #4: *Returns from down hallway* BRO! THERE'S NO ONE IN THE POOL!!!
Me: *mentally - The fuckin' pool fuckin' closes at fuckin' 10 o' fuckin' clock fuckers*

*All go off to play in the pool*

Ya know, at least I got a TON of free food today because sorority girls didn't eat everything they ordered. Yeah, I could throw it away...or I could eat for a week. Jeez. Was I this awful five years ago?

(Has had enough of people under 30 years of mental age for this week. Form line at door and shut mouths.)

(Then again...the guy who just complained to me about our lack of vending machines, lack of ice machines on every single floor, and cost of our WATER BOTTLES had to have been at least 40.)

(Just fuck all you guests who can't behave like normal human beings in public.)

Monday, August 22, 2011

The Mirror Was There the Whole Time

This week in house we have...sorority chicks. And a small handful of older people who should by all logic be happy about this fact, but in reality are NOT.

(No sir, there is no ice machine on your floor, and there is also nothing I can do about that. Yes, that means you have to walk down a whole floor and all the way down the hallway for ice. No, I can't do anything about that, really, I can't. I understand you want TV, but there are no other rooms for me to switch you to. If you would like a discount I would definitely recommend speaking with our GM after 8 AM. Yes, I do understand 8 AM is not tonight. What? The thing I told you to do fixed the TV and you aren't angry anymore? Uh huh. Goodnight, sir.)

My opinion of them flip flops. On one hand, they hate paying for things. A lot. On the other hand, they ARE polite every time they speak with you, and that's really saying something. ANYWAYS.

Back to my original story!

Elevator goes up to the second floor. Elevator comes down. Doors open up, and there's a girl in a Greek shirt, fixing her makeup in the mirrored wall. The elevator door closes (as it does each time it comes down after opening), and then...

The elevator goes back up to the second floor and returns empty.


She'll do just fine in college.


Friday, August 12, 2011

Normally I'm All for Three-Ways, but...

Me: Good evening, thank you for calling the LOL Hotel, my name is Wednesday, how may I assist you?

Caller: Yes, um, I was wondering if you had any rooms available for August blah-th?

Me: Let me take a sir, it looks like we're all booked up that whole weekend. You may be able to try Thatother Hotel, Anotherone Hotel, or Thisotheroneoverhere Hotel perhaps - would you like their numbers?

Caller: Well, I've already tried Thatother Hotel, could you maybe give me the number for the Thisotheroneoverhere Hotel?

Me: Absolutely, are you ready for it?

Caller: Yes ma'am.

Me: It's 555...

Caller: *boop boop boop*

Me: (did you just dial it while still talking to me on the phone?)

Caller: *boop boop boop*

Me: ...4567... (yes, yes you did)

Caller: *boop-boop-boop-boop* Okay, I've got it

Me: Sounds good, (oh dear god is it going to start ringing or something?) is there anything else I can help you with?

Caller: Nope, that's all I needed, have a good night!

Me: You too, sir, goodbye! least he was polite...right?