Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Do Not Make Hulk Angry!

Ever meet someone who appears to be extremely calm...too calm...almost as though deep down they could be a serial killer?

This fella who just checked in gave me just that impression.

He asked when he checked in if we had any food, so I offered a few things from our menu - pizza, nachos, artichoke dip and chips...

He goes "ugh, I HATE that, that sounds just awful."  ...Artichoke dip is like the most amazing thing I've ever tasted, and if I could afford it every night I absolutely would.  Ah well.  "Do you guys have like...you must have a sandwich or something."

"Yes sir, we have sandwiches right over here.  They're a little on the expensive side, though."  Every single person I have ever sold a sandwich to complained about the price.  Every.  Single.  One.

"Oh you don't want to sell me that, then.  I get angry when I see something expensive."


And he says all of this in a completely calm, serene, I'm-about-to-murder-your-dog, relaxing voice.

"What about this stuff here?  That looks pretty dry.  That's been sitting out all day, hasn't it."  He's pointing to our bakery items.  In a refrigerated case.  At midnight.  That we rebake every 1-3 days depending on the item.

I never lie to the customers, though.  I always give my honest opinion, because otherwise I get lectured by the guests about how awful they think something or other is.  We don't have any cookies out, so I say the lemon bar is probably his best bet for fresh, delicious goodness.  Not in those words.

"Ew.  I'm going to stop asking you for things, because everything you recommend is just nasty."

It's midnight - do you know where your dog is?

"Ha...sorry, sir, guess we have different taste buds!"

"There's gotta be a fast food place around here somewhere."

So I give the guy directions.  He leaves his stuff in the lobby to go pick up a bite to eat.  I'm sure he hates my favorite fast food joint.  I glance over at his stuff as I go to sit back down.

He has a huge bag of chips on his suit case.


Friday, April 22, 2011

Insatiable Chip Lust

My favorite kind of chip is Baked Barbeque.  Holy crap try them, they're amazing.

Tied for second place is Cooler Ranch Doritos, Nacho Cheese Doritos, Cheetos (do those count?), and Barbeque chips.  Third place is every other kind of chip except Fritos.

Last is Fritos.

Anyways, while going about my auditishness business last night, I noticed a bag of BBQ chips next to the guest computers.  It was folded over.  Meaning they probably weren't even stale.  I thought about these chips ALL NIGHT.

I wanted one.  Or all of them.  Would anyone notice?  They were just left there, unwanted and unloved.  Deep in my hobo-esque heart I desperately wanted to tuck them safely away in my bag, and then my belly.

I was ready to make my move in the early morning hours, ready to pounce like a wild cat on unsuspecting prey.

Then this fellow came walking down the hall, bucket of ice in hand.  He was giant.  This fellow was the second largest human being I'd ever seen, second only to memories of my obese grandparents (I'm pretty sure their weight was a little exaggerated from the mind of a six-year-old).  Okay, I'm not trying to be mean here - he was a very nice fellow who said hello and went on his way.  He made me think, though - whose hands were IN that chip bag before?  Were they sweaty?  Did they just pick their nose?  Were they sticky from licking off the bbq dusting?  If I continued to eat chips like I have a disease and chips are the cure, would my "few pounds higher than the number I want" turn into "few hundred pounds higher than the number I want?"

I left the chips alone.

I'm pretty sure that revelation's gonna leave me by the next time I go grocery shopping, but hey, I'll wash my hands first.


Friday, April 8, 2011

If You See a Guy with 17 Papers...

So our papers come around 3 or 4 in the morning.  I am usually closing day at that time, so I typically let them sit until I'm finished up and then replace the old ones.

Today, however, I was having a particularly vicious fight with the scanner in the back office.  When I emerged (not done, but too frustrated to keep fighting with it - it took an HOUR to scan 13 pages.  An hour!) I noticed something weird.

Somebody stole mah newspapers.

They weren't completely gone, no.  The band had been removed and all but 8 papers were missing.



I'm sure it's completely possible that the newspaper dude was running short or something and decided to split an order between two businesses.  Or something.

OR there is a happy fellow wandering around town with his proud stack of 17 Wall Street Journals.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

Why Night Auditors Should ALWAYS Sleep 8 Hours a Day

Look...hotels are freaking creepy at night.  Yeah, sure, most nights you'll handle it just fine with your music, your computer, your phone, your studies.  But there WILL be those nights when it's just quiet enough for you to hear every spooky ass phantom tossing dishes around, every ghost stomping here and there, every shadowy figure sneaking up on you.

So for the love of god sleep, SLEEP.  These things are easier to handle when you aren't groggy.

But I don't sleep.  Nope.  I do my best and hey, I frequently succeed, but today...today I had a doctor's appointment.

Anyhoo, here, have the freaky-ass shit that has gone down tonight:

  1. Starting at 4 AM the fire alarm control pad that we recently fixed (after quite the fiasco and a few weeks of patient waiting) started beeping.  No, not really, more like emitting a constant tone.  Only there was no message on the screen.  Normally it will say something like "crud, something's up on the third floor, guys!"  This time, all it says is System Idle.  Sometimes it randomly resets itself.  This is the weirdest and most annoying thing in the whole world.  I will literally sit one butt cheek down only to have to hop right back up and go stop it from screaming again.  My poor, right butt cheek is so unfulfilled.
  2. Upon my first arrival in the lobby I noted a high pitch tone, but couldn't locate it.  The last shift didn't hear anything, but gosh darnit, I know I'm not completely crazy.  It's in here somewhere.  And it has been going since 11 PM.
  3. I keep hearing voices just down the hall, but that might just be the music.  I keep checking because it really, really sounds like someone talking.
  4. While sitting down on the other side of the lobby, only the inner set of doors slid open randomly and back shut.  There were no bugs, no people, no anything near them.  Creeeepy.
  5. When I got in the elevator to deliver newspapers and bills it made a loud crack-thump sound and shuddered before taking me to the second floor.
  6. Upon arriving on the third floor, I turned out of the elevator to see the fire alarm door shut.  They're magnetic, so I can't just open it.  I was pretty positive I was going to open it to find a bunch of zombies on the other side.
  7. On both the third and fourth floors, a few of the doors were propped open but the lights out.  This is particularly disturbing to me, because I know nobody checked out early last night.  Technically I am supposed to shut them, but what if someone is in there??
  8. On the fourth floor I look out the hall window from down the hall to see what looks like headlights.  On the fourth floor.  Alright, so it turned out to be the lights of the business next door, but it was really freaky, okay?
  9. Someone/thing just made a loud clattery/shuffle sound in the kitchen.
  10. The door to the back office keeps slowly opening by itself.

This is why you need good rest.