Friday, February 22, 2013

Night Auditor Enlightenment

My friends, it is time for me to move on.  For a number of reasons, including a baby who is coming soon, a job in something I would like to make longterm, and just generally needing to move away from the hotels, this shall be my last post.

A chapter is closed.

Thankfully, The LOL Hotel is not, and will be taken over by the lovely Alicia.  She has awesomely fun plans in store for you guys.  If you'd like to contribute to the LOL Hotel, let her know/leave a comment/holler at the sky until a hologram appears and takes your message.

On that note - I would like to share the things I have learned in my two and a half years as an auditor.

You have reached Night Auditor Enlightenment when you realize
that absolutely nothing is important or worthwhile about:

  • Brewing large amounts of hotel coffee (with one, two, or ten filters)
  • The number of milk cartons placed on ice, or the number of minutes before breakfast that they are put there
  • The noises coming from the flapping, beer-scented gums of the angry fellow who wants $100 off his room rate
  • The noises coming from the flapping, beer-scented gums of the angry fellow who wants you to apparently build him a room or kick someone out to create a vacancy for his royal ass
  • "The napkin slide" wherein a drink is placed on a napkin and gingerly presented to someone who won't remember where they were ten minutes later.
  • The muddy-shoed individual who comes in immediately after mopping
  • The presentation of an AAA card, government ID, or tax exemption certificate
  • The (# quarters in the drawer) to (# of quarters on the spreadsheet) ratio
  • The number of pennies.  Ever.
  • Saying "how may I assist you" instead of "how can I help you"
  • Attempting to pass on notes to future shifts (truly an exercise in futility)
  • Restocking the snack bar before the bars close
  • Restocking the snack bar before a breakfast rush
  • Occupancy rates.  Few can hope to understand the mind of Sales.
  • Television volumes, channels, or otherwise attempting to control the lobby televisions
  • Checking to see if you have any pens or printer paper.  You don't.
  • Getting back at abusive guests - just be extra friendly to the kind ones and the world will balance itself out.

That's it everyone.
So long, and thanks for all the fish!


Thursday, February 7, 2013


I left both my computer cord and my crocheting at home.

I filled the first two hours of work with work outrages, printing emails and attachments that I can't at home, and guests who pronounce "you" as "yew" and "hello" as "hah-looow??"  I spent about five minutes reading the printouts before I got bored of them and made a pretty stack of them instead.  Then I decided the stack was much too neat and the world needed a little chaos, so I threw them around the counter instead.

I pulled out the pregnancy books I've been meaning to read but haven't yet.  I apparently missed the last two months of pregnancy information.

Man, I sure hope I did it right...?

I got tired of the books and focusing my eyes in general about ten minutes in and decorated the stack of emails with them.  Much better.

I rode our exercise bike for 2.5 minutes before I decided that exercise was for wussies and if I was gone from the desk for longer thant 2.5 minutes I might miss something REALLY EXCITING.

I do not seem to have missed anything.

I eat pancakes.

I buy a soda.

The machine eats 10 cents.  I go to get my dime out of our stash of coins to give as refunds when such things happen.  Our stash is depleted.  I curse the soda machine gods.

I look up at the clock...4:30, YES!  Shit, no, I just suck at reading time.  3:30.  UGGGHHHHH.

I got on our guest computers and surfed, wrote a few emails, networked a bit, and checked my facebook.  I cautiously peeked through tumblr before deciding that the world is coming to an end if all people can post pictures of is duckfaces, pink hair, porn, and pictures of your legs in the bathtub.  I closed tumblr because I am A PROFESSIONAL AT WORK (ahuh).  I peeked in on twitter before deciding that I should follow more nocturnal folks.  A look at the clock.  3:40.



I SIT ON THE COUCHES.  Nothing to do.  I play games on my phone.  I eat an apple.  I realize that my tenses during this entire post have been inconsistent.  I decide that if some omnipotent god really wanted/wants me to write properly he wouldn't have invented Blogger.  Also I don't need rules.  I live in anarchy, bitches.

I spend a little while writing this, examining my shoes, playing music from youtube on aforementioned guest computer, thinking about fishing, googling for pictures of people with boards on their heads, updating my google calendar with all the stuff I plan to do some other day, and reading some dude's blog.

I look down at the computer's clock.


Wait, that can't be right, our newspapers aren't even here yet.

*Checks phone*

Crap.  Nobody adjusted this thing for daylight savings time.  It's really 4:55.

Whatever, close enough.  I'm going to go put out breakfast REALLY SLOWLY and possibly build something out of apples, coffee filters, and plastic cups.