Friday, February 22, 2013

Night Auditor Enlightenment

My friends, it is time for me to move on.  For a number of reasons, including a baby who is coming soon, a job in something I would like to make longterm, and just generally needing to move away from the hotels, this shall be my last post.

A chapter is closed.

Thankfully, The LOL Hotel is not, and will be taken over by the lovely Alicia.  She has awesomely fun plans in store for you guys.  If you'd like to contribute to the LOL Hotel, let her know/leave a comment/holler at the sky until a hologram appears and takes your message.

On that note - I would like to share the things I have learned in my two and a half years as an auditor.

You have reached Night Auditor Enlightenment when you realize
that absolutely nothing is important or worthwhile about:

  • Brewing large amounts of hotel coffee (with one, two, or ten filters)
  • The number of milk cartons placed on ice, or the number of minutes before breakfast that they are put there
  • The noises coming from the flapping, beer-scented gums of the angry fellow who wants $100 off his room rate
  • The noises coming from the flapping, beer-scented gums of the angry fellow who wants you to apparently build him a room or kick someone out to create a vacancy for his royal ass
  • "The napkin slide" wherein a drink is placed on a napkin and gingerly presented to someone who won't remember where they were ten minutes later.
  • The muddy-shoed individual who comes in immediately after mopping
  • The presentation of an AAA card, government ID, or tax exemption certificate
  • The (# quarters in the drawer) to (# of quarters on the spreadsheet) ratio
  • The number of pennies.  Ever.
  • Saying "how may I assist you" instead of "how can I help you"
  • Attempting to pass on notes to future shifts (truly an exercise in futility)
  • Restocking the snack bar before the bars close
  • Restocking the snack bar before a breakfast rush
  • Occupancy rates.  Few can hope to understand the mind of Sales.
  • Television volumes, channels, or otherwise attempting to control the lobby televisions
  • Checking to see if you have any pens or printer paper.  You don't.
  • Getting back at abusive guests - just be extra friendly to the kind ones and the world will balance itself out.

That's it everyone.
So long, and thanks for all the fish!


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