Wednesday, August 15, 2012

A Letter.

While idly checking out the traffic sources for the blog this morning, I came across something unique (I hope) that warranted a response.  Ahem.

Dear Reader who found this blog via the search term: "How to roofie cookies,"

     Congratulations, sir or madam!  You made my jaw drop, and my day.  While I cannot endorse your efforts, I hope the morning finds you and your special friend well, and best of luck with the charges.  Don't forget to make a batch for the judge.

Never, ever, ever yours (because I am never eating anything you bake),

P.S. - Some other incredible search terms leading disappointed readers to the LOL Hotel:
     - "Show couple fucking in bathroom" (whoops)
     - "motels have porn" (why yes, yes they do)
     - "the evenings because" (?)
     - "expedia 'no confirmation number'" ( much for their guarantees, right?)

Things Said to Me in the Past 7 Hours.

In chronological order:

1.  An 18 year old, putting drinks on his parent's room, called me baby.  *eyebrow twitch*

2.  A girl comes down and asks if I can please have housekeeping change her pillowcases in the morning, because she had pink eye.  ...ew.

3.  The newspaper guy comes in, huffing about, and slams the papers down on the counter.  He shoves his finger at the front page and says, defiantly, "That IS what we are!  We're FED UP!" and then stormed off.  The article was about apathetic voters not going to the polls.

4.  A fellow came in at 4 in the morning and says, "I need a wakeup in room 400!"
"Okay, sir, what time?"
"Well, what time is it?  FOUR!  Give me one for 7:30."

5.  About an hour later he calls down, right after all of the hotel TVs go out, and says:
"Did I wake ya?  HAHA!"
"...What can I do for you, sir?"
"My TV isn't working." (You were just complaining about the time and your early wake-up call... GO TO BED! )
"Yes, sir, our TVs are out and we won't be able to fix it until the morning."
"Okay, well, you work on that sweetheart."  *eyebrow twitch.*

6.   Another fellow calls down twice in a row.  The first time, he reports that his room phone still has a problem.  I never knew it was broken, so I tell him I'll follow up and make sure someone addresses it.  The second time he says:
"Do you want to make the next guest's stay better than mine?"
"...What can I do for you, sir?"
"There is one dead cockroach dead cricket in my bathroom light fixture."
"...I'll let housekeeping know, sir, thank you."

7.  The girl from the hotel next door informs a guy he can use our pool.  I guess she didn't want him swimming laps in her hotel at 6 AM.  He walks over and asks,
"Are you front desk?"
"Yes, sir, what can I do for you?"  (I'm setting out breakfast)
"The hotel next door said I could use your pool.  What are its hours?"
"10-10, but as long as you are quiet I have no problem with you using it now."
"Okay, are there towels by the pool?"
"Yes sir, there should be, but if not just come let me know and I'll get you some to take back out."
"Okay...I will use it now."
"So...can I have some towels?"
"Um...there might be some out there-"
"I already looked." (Wh...why did you ask me then?)
"Er, okay, let me grab you some..."

8.  A fellow who has watched me set out breakfast and return to the desk asked me for a phone book, and I started looking through drawers to try and remember where this hotel keeps theirs.  He then promptly translates the entire phrase to Spanish, which I know enough of to pick up when people are speaking it in a tex-mex drawl.  He then interrupts my search with Senora, Senora, Senora... So I look up.  So then he starts telling me it's not a problem, not to worry about it - again, first in English, then in Spanish.  He translates each phrase until I say okay, and he wanders off again.  The fuck?