Friday, February 22, 2013

Night Auditor Enlightenment

My friends, it is time for me to move on.  For a number of reasons, including a baby who is coming soon, a job in something I would like to make longterm, and just generally needing to move away from the hotels, this shall be my last post.

A chapter is closed.

Thankfully, The LOL Hotel is not, and will be taken over by the lovely Alicia.  She has awesomely fun plans in store for you guys.  If you'd like to contribute to the LOL Hotel, let her know/leave a comment/holler at the sky until a hologram appears and takes your message.

On that note - I would like to share the things I have learned in my two and a half years as an auditor.

You have reached Night Auditor Enlightenment when you realize
that absolutely nothing is important or worthwhile about:

  • Brewing large amounts of hotel coffee (with one, two, or ten filters)
  • The number of milk cartons placed on ice, or the number of minutes before breakfast that they are put there
  • The noises coming from the flapping, beer-scented gums of the angry fellow who wants $100 off his room rate
  • The noises coming from the flapping, beer-scented gums of the angry fellow who wants you to apparently build him a room or kick someone out to create a vacancy for his royal ass
  • "The napkin slide" wherein a drink is placed on a napkin and gingerly presented to someone who won't remember where they were ten minutes later.
  • The muddy-shoed individual who comes in immediately after mopping
  • The presentation of an AAA card, government ID, or tax exemption certificate
  • The (# quarters in the drawer) to (# of quarters on the spreadsheet) ratio
  • The number of pennies.  Ever.
  • Saying "how may I assist you" instead of "how can I help you"
  • Attempting to pass on notes to future shifts (truly an exercise in futility)
  • Restocking the snack bar before the bars close
  • Restocking the snack bar before a breakfast rush
  • Occupancy rates.  Few can hope to understand the mind of Sales.
  • Television volumes, channels, or otherwise attempting to control the lobby televisions
  • Checking to see if you have any pens or printer paper.  You don't.
  • Getting back at abusive guests - just be extra friendly to the kind ones and the world will balance itself out.

That's it everyone.
So long, and thanks for all the fish!


Thursday, February 7, 2013


I left both my computer cord and my crocheting at home.

I filled the first two hours of work with work outrages, printing emails and attachments that I can't at home, and guests who pronounce "you" as "yew" and "hello" as "hah-looow??"  I spent about five minutes reading the printouts before I got bored of them and made a pretty stack of them instead.  Then I decided the stack was much too neat and the world needed a little chaos, so I threw them around the counter instead.

I pulled out the pregnancy books I've been meaning to read but haven't yet.  I apparently missed the last two months of pregnancy information.

Man, I sure hope I did it right...?

I got tired of the books and focusing my eyes in general about ten minutes in and decorated the stack of emails with them.  Much better.

I rode our exercise bike for 2.5 minutes before I decided that exercise was for wussies and if I was gone from the desk for longer thant 2.5 minutes I might miss something REALLY EXCITING.

I do not seem to have missed anything.

I eat pancakes.

I buy a soda.

The machine eats 10 cents.  I go to get my dime out of our stash of coins to give as refunds when such things happen.  Our stash is depleted.  I curse the soda machine gods.

I look up at the clock...4:30, YES!  Shit, no, I just suck at reading time.  3:30.  UGGGHHHHH.

I got on our guest computers and surfed, wrote a few emails, networked a bit, and checked my facebook.  I cautiously peeked through tumblr before deciding that the world is coming to an end if all people can post pictures of is duckfaces, pink hair, porn, and pictures of your legs in the bathtub.  I closed tumblr because I am A PROFESSIONAL AT WORK (ahuh).  I peeked in on twitter before deciding that I should follow more nocturnal folks.  A look at the clock.  3:40.



I SIT ON THE COUCHES.  Nothing to do.  I play games on my phone.  I eat an apple.  I realize that my tenses during this entire post have been inconsistent.  I decide that if some omnipotent god really wanted/wants me to write properly he wouldn't have invented Blogger.  Also I don't need rules.  I live in anarchy, bitches.

I spend a little while writing this, examining my shoes, playing music from youtube on aforementioned guest computer, thinking about fishing, googling for pictures of people with boards on their heads, updating my google calendar with all the stuff I plan to do some other day, and reading some dude's blog.

I look down at the computer's clock.


Wait, that can't be right, our newspapers aren't even here yet.

*Checks phone*

Crap.  Nobody adjusted this thing for daylight savings time.  It's really 4:55.

Whatever, close enough.  I'm going to go put out breakfast REALLY SLOWLY and possibly build something out of apples, coffee filters, and plastic cups.


Friday, December 14, 2012

But I Don't Know HOW to Work a Thermostat!

It's graduation weekend, apparently.

Meaning I have not just a hotel full of drunken oil field workers that I always have, but also a hotel full of angry, self-entitled parents.

Why are they angry?  I don't know.

Maybe their kids were art majors.

In any case, a woman just came down asking for a couple of extra blankets.  As I have learned from brutal experience, people always mean the thick blankets, not sheets or comforters (which were blankets when I was a kid, yeesh).  I checked housekeeping and, no surprise, we have given all our blankets AND comforters away, and most of the sheets to boot.  I grabbed one of the remaining sets of sheets and brought it to the front.

I apologized that we had given them all away, and offered her the sheets instead.  She made a face and said, "I HAVE sheets!  I need BLANKETS!  It's for the couch, it's too cold!"

I told her, "There are no blankets."

She huffed and walked off before I could even recommend she check the closet or under the television (where we store a spare in each room).

What exactly did she expect?

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go take one off another guest RIGHT NOW!"

or maybe:

"Oh, you know what?  I actually brought my crochet hook with me this evening.  Let me just make you one real quick."


Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Most Confusing Floor Plan

Ya know when something ridiculous happens, and you're so tired that it just gets you annoyed just to think about it...and then a few hours go by and you realize just how hilarious it actually is?

Yeah, that happened tonight.

I am crazy tired, but I am NOWHERE NEAR as out of it as this guy was...

So a fellow came in eh, around midnight or so, with a group of extremely intoxicated individuals.  From the elevator he hollers, "HEY.  HEY.  HEYYYY."  Until I finally look up.  Then he starts babbling something about the number of x's...I'm confused...but he goes up the elevator and I sit my tired butt back down.

Several minutes later he comes back down the elevator, wobbles out, heads for the doors, spots me, and does his best to re-plot the course toward the front desk.  When he finally docks with the counter, he asks me where he might be able to find room 333.

Okay, it isn't really room 333, I changed that, but I'm not sure why.  Eternal Darkness reference for the win.

I tell him, why, room 333 would be on the third floor.  Just take the elevator to floor three and follow the room numbers up until you spot 333.

He asks...333?  Yes sir, 333.  Just press 3 on the elevator and follow the room numbers up.  He repeats the room a few more times, then goes back up the elevator. should understand, that this is a really basic layout for a hotel.  It's not crazy at all.  Rooms that start with a 1 are on the first floor, a 2 on the second, and a 3 on the third.  Ta-da!  Each floor is linear - one side is 301, and it goes up as you go down the hallway.  Simple.  If you can read a room sign, you can find yours.

So it's, um, surprising when Donnie Drunko comes back down asking me if I was SURE that 333 was on the third floor, because he could not find it ANYWHERE.  He then hands me his key and goes, "This won't open the door."

"Oh, you found room 333?"

" won't open room 335 OR 305..."

"Yes, sir, that's because *points to key packet in his hand* you said you were in room 333.  I can re-key it for you right now."

I give him directions again, slowly, simply, and clearly, and he goes back upstairs to find his room.'s on the third floor.  Go left out the elevator.  Right after 331, before 335.  *sigh*

A few minutes later he comes down majorly pissed off and throws his key cards across the counter at me.  He says he is checking out because our hotel is too confusing and he never even found his room!  I check him out, and he comes back inside a few minutes later asking why he never got the receipt that he had JUST signed and gotten a copy of...  So I print him a new one out and he makes a big stink about paying for the room (this is at about 12:30 AM... he had checked in 4 hours earlier).  I see his car in the carport and ask if he (being extremely, extremely in too drunk to write...or you know...find a hotel room with a number posted by it in sequence) was planning on driving.  He quietly says no.  And then drives off.

Oh yeah.  That's safe.

Considering his buddies left for work around 4:30 AM or so, here's hoping he at least made it somewhere to sleep (or a cop helped him out with that part)...because he's not making it to work on time or in any kind of workin' shape.  Yipes.

Congratulations, sir, you are THE most intoxicated guest I have ever seen.  Your prize is one fuck of a hangover!