But I Don't Know HOW to Work a Thermostat!

It's graduation weekend, apparently.

Meaning I have not just a hotel full of drunken oil field workers that I always have, but also a hotel full of angry, self-entitled parents.

Why are they angry?  I don't know.

Maybe their kids were art majors.

In any case, a woman just came down asking for a couple of extra blankets.  As I have learned from brutal experience, people always mean the thick blankets, not sheets or comforters (which were blankets when I was a kid, yeesh).  I checked housekeeping and, no surprise, we have given all our blankets AND comforters away, and most of the sheets to boot.  I grabbed one of the remaining sets of sheets and brought it to the front.

I apologized that we had given them all away, and offered her the sheets instead.  She made a face and said, "I HAVE sheets!  I need BLANKETS!  It's for the couch, it's too cold!"

I told her, "There are no blankets."

She huffed and walked off before I could even recommend she check the closet or under the television (where we store a spare in each room).

What exactly did she expect?

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go take one off another guest RIGHT NOW!"

or maybe:

"Oh, you know what?  I actually brought my crochet hook with me this evening.  Let me just make you one real quick."

-Wednesday

The Most Confusing Floor Plan

Ya know when something ridiculous happens, and you're so tired that it just gets you annoyed just to think about it...and then a few hours go by and you realize just how hilarious it actually is?

Yeah, that happened tonight.

I am crazy tired, but I am NOWHERE NEAR as out of it as this guy was...



So a fellow came in eh, around midnight or so, with a group of extremely intoxicated individuals.  From the elevator he hollers, "HEY.  HEY.  HEYYYY."  Until I finally look up.  Then he starts babbling something about the number of x's...I'm confused...but he goes up the elevator and I sit my tired butt back down.

Several minutes later he comes back down the elevator, wobbles out, heads for the doors, spots me, and does his best to re-plot the course toward the front desk.  When he finally docks with the counter, he asks me where he might be able to find room 333.

Okay, it isn't really room 333, I changed that, but I'm not sure why.  Eternal Darkness reference for the win.

I tell him, why, room 333 would be on the third floor.  Just take the elevator to floor three and follow the room numbers up until you spot 333.

He asks...333?  Yes sir, 333.  Just press 3 on the elevator and follow the room numbers up.  He repeats the room a few more times, then goes back up the elevator.

Now...you should understand, that this is a really basic layout for a hotel.  It's not crazy at all.  Rooms that start with a 1 are on the first floor, a 2 on the second, and a 3 on the third.  Ta-da!  Each floor is linear - one side is 301, and it goes up as you go down the hallway.  Simple.  If you can read a room sign, you can find yours.

So it's, um, surprising when Donnie Drunko comes back down asking me if I was SURE that 333 was on the third floor, because he could not find it ANYWHERE.  He then hands me his key and goes, "This won't open the door."

"Oh, you found room 333?"

"Well...it won't open room 335 OR 305..."

"Yes, sir, that's because *points to key packet in his hand* you said you were in room 333.  I can re-key it for you right now."

I give him directions again, slowly, simply, and clearly, and he goes back upstairs to find his room.  Guys...it's on the third floor.  Go left out the elevator.  Right after 331, before 335.  *sigh*

A few minutes later he comes down majorly pissed off and throws his key cards across the counter at me.  He says he is checking out because our hotel is too confusing and he never even found his room!  I check him out, and he comes back inside a few minutes later asking why he never got the receipt that he had JUST signed and gotten a copy of...  So I print him a new one out and he makes a big stink about paying for the room (this is at about 12:30 AM... he had checked in 4 hours earlier).  I see his car in the carport and ask if he (being extremely, extremely intoxicated...as in too drunk to write...or you know...find a hotel room with a number posted by it in sequence) was planning on driving.  He quietly says no.  And then drives off.

Oh yeah.  That's safe.

Considering his buddies left for work around 4:30 AM or so, here's hoping he at least made it somewhere to sleep (or a cop helped him out with that part)...because he's not making it to work on time or in any kind of workin' shape.  Yipes.

Congratulations, sir, you are THE most intoxicated guest I have ever seen.  Your prize is one fuck of a hangover!


-Wednesday

(P.S. - HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!)

It's That Special Time of the Year...

...When the students come back to town.

You know it from the congested roadways and pile-ups, the once-dead-suddenly-hopping bar zone o' town, the busy book stores with tents out front...  You just know it.

And if you've been out of school for anywhere from 1-50 years and you live near a college...you dread it.

I KNOW students are people.  I was one once.  I KNOW we shouldn't hate on them universally, or judge them, or wish they and their parents would drive the fucking speed limit or get the fuck off the road.

But still...


A student just walked in the front doors of the hotel, went into the elevator with her father, and asked him:

"Floor One or Two?"


-Wednesday.

A Letter.

While idly checking out the traffic sources for the blog this morning, I came across something unique (I hope) that warranted a response.  Ahem.

Dear Reader who found this blog via the search term: "How to roofie cookies,"

     Congratulations, sir or madam!  You made my jaw drop, and my day.  While I cannot endorse your efforts, I hope the morning finds you and your special friend well, and best of luck with the charges.  Don't forget to make a batch for the judge.


Never, ever, ever yours (because I am never eating anything you bake),
Wednesday



P.S. - Some other incredible search terms leading disappointed readers to the LOL Hotel:
     - "Show couple fucking in bathroom" (whoops)
     - "motels have porn" (why yes, yes they do)
     - "the evenings because" (?)
     - "expedia 'no confirmation number'" (yeah...so much for their guarantees, right?)

Things Said to Me in the Past 7 Hours.

In chronological order:


1.  An 18 year old, putting drinks on his parent's room, called me baby.  *eyebrow twitch*

2.  A girl comes down and asks if I can please have housekeeping change her pillowcases in the morning, because she had pink eye.  ...ew.

3.  The newspaper guy comes in, huffing about, and slams the papers down on the counter.  He shoves his finger at the front page and says, defiantly, "That IS what we are!  We're FED UP!" and then stormed off.  The article was about apathetic voters not going to the polls.

4.  A fellow came in at 4 in the morning and says, "I need a wakeup in room 400!"
"Okay, sir, what time?"
"Well, what time is it?  FOUR!  Give me one for 7:30."
"...Akay..."

5.  About an hour later he calls down, right after all of the hotel TVs go out, and says:
"Did I wake ya?  HAHA!"
"...What can I do for you, sir?"
"My TV isn't working." (You were just complaining about the time and your early wake-up call... GO TO BED! )
"Yes, sir, our TVs are out and we won't be able to fix it until the morning."
"Okay, well, you work on that sweetheart."  *eyebrow twitch.*

6.   Another fellow calls down twice in a row.  The first time, he reports that his room phone still has a problem.  I never knew it was broken, so I tell him I'll follow up and make sure someone addresses it.  The second time he says:
"Do you want to make the next guest's stay better than mine?"
"...What can I do for you, sir?"
"There is one dead cockroach and...one dead cricket in my bathroom light fixture."
"...I'll let housekeeping know, sir, thank you."

7.  The girl from the hotel next door informs a guy he can use our pool.  I guess she didn't want him swimming laps in her hotel at 6 AM.  He walks over and asks,
"Are you front desk?"
"Yes, sir, what can I do for you?"  (I'm setting out breakfast)
"The hotel next door said I could use your pool.  What are its hours?"
"10-10, but as long as you are quiet I have no problem with you using it now."
"Okay, are there towels by the pool?"
"Yes sir, there should be, but if not just come let me know and I'll get you some to take back out."
"Okay...I will use it now."
"Okay!"
"So...can I have some towels?"
"Um...there might be some out there-"
"I already looked." (Wh...why did you ask me then?)
"Er, okay, let me grab you some..."

8.  A fellow who has watched me set out breakfast and return to the desk asked me for a phone book, and I started looking through drawers to try and remember where this hotel keeps theirs.  He then promptly translates the entire phrase to Spanish, which I know enough of to pick up when people are speaking it in a tex-mex drawl.  He then interrupts my search with Senora, Senora, Senora... So I look up.  So then he starts telling me it's not a problem, not to worry about it - again, first in English, then in Spanish.  He translates each phrase until I say okay, and he wanders off again.  The fuck?


-Wednesday

Guys. Guys. GUYS.

My last day at this particular LOL Hotel ends in five minutes!!!!!  WOOOHOOOOO!

I'll still be working at the sister hotel next door, but here are a JUST A FEW of the things I will never have to do again:

• Deliver folios
• Deliver 79 folios
• Wrestle with coffee filters that are too large for the coffee maker
• Have inane arguments/debates over the best way to squeeze coffee through those damn things
• Deal with Asshole AGM
• Deal with Buttface GM
• Wear a sweater the color of...god...what kind of green is this anyways?
• Fight for the right to have a calculator
• Sift through days and weeks and months of unaccounted for tax exempt forms

There is so much more than that.......but my relief is here, so I'm goin' HOME!  :D

-Wednesday

Poor Kid

We had two check-ins left tonight when I got here, and both had the same last name.  It's about 15 minutes into the shift when a fella comes in to check in the first.  He gives his last name, so I ask him if he was Jim or Zachary, and he says:

"Jim.  Zachary was a mistake.  Well...  um...  Zachary wasn't a MISTAKE...  but he isn't coming tonight..."

Glad to know Zachary was well-planned-for...  :p

-Wednesday

They let the deer drive.

I Think They Liked That Movie, Too.

If you haven't seen The Secretary, this post might not make much sense.  If you decide to go watch the Secretary...best to not watch it around your grandma.  Um...unless your grandma is one of these ladies.

So two very sweet, older women come over to the hotel from another one that was full, and I start checking them in.  One of them starts flipping through the newspaper, and says:

"Oh!  I love that Maggie Gyllenhaal.  She was in that movie, have you seen it?  Um...The Secretary."

My jaw literally fell open and I'm just kind of staring at her, half laughing, half gaping.

She goes, "SHE'S SEEN IT!  Look, she's blushing!  I think she liked that movie.  It was a very funny movie!  The guy who hires Maggie Gyllenhaal in it is like this, sadist?  And she's a masochist?  It's very funny."

I stuttered the rest of the way through checking them in as they giggled over movie plots, and I gave them their keys.  I think I probably said something in agreement about the movie being very cute and quirky...but it's kind of a blur.

Just...didn't see that one comin'!


And yes, I HAVE seen that film, and it's one of my favorites.  :)

-Wednesday

Just Turn Up the Heat.

Person comes down elevator...I think this is how all of my stories start.

Wait, let me try again.



Person arrives on a clinically insane giraffe, and asks for some sheets and a couple of towels. So I go grab them some. Then this happens:



"Wait, okay there are sheets here, but do you have one of those, uh, covers? Do you have any covers?"

"Sure, let me go grab you some." (I have to maneuver through a housekeeping maze to get the covers that go on top of sheets, but I manage it) "Here you go."

"No, that's like, how do I say this... I want covers. Like you pull up when it's cold? *makes a blanket motion up to chin* Like you cover up with when you are cold."

"A...blanket?"

"YES! A blanket."

"There should be one in the top of your closet-"

"No, I looked there. I did look."

"Okay, that's fine, let me go grab you one from the back." (I take the covers back and bring out a blanket, our only other bed-stuff we have besides pillows) "Here you are."

"Um, no... I guess I don't really know how to say this, we need a cover..."

"This is the only other sort of blanket we have, will it do?"

"..................I guess it's better than nothing."



I... have absolutely no idea what they had in mind. I am so confused. O_O

-Wednesday

Make That...One Million Waters!

A rather large group of drunk fellers start coming through the door, all from the same group but one at a time. One guy comes over, grabs a big water, and pulls out a ten. He sets the water on the counter and I pull out his change of $7.29 while he comments on how we must get a TON of drunk people buying these waters.

I didn't say anything about the water fountain right next to it, just smiled while I opened a new roll of pennies.

Another of his friends comes through the automatic doors, and the guy whose change I am holding hollers, "Hey! You want a water?"

"SURE!"

So I put part of the change back and count out $4.58 in change.

Then another small bunch of his buddies come in and again he shouts, "HEY! Water?!"

"Hell yes!"

"Okay, I've got it!"

"WAIT! You have to pay for it?!"



So I put the bills back and recount out $1.88. Lordy.

-Wednesday

So Charming

A woman comes in around 11:30 PM and heads up to her room. A few hours later, just past 4 in the morning, she comes back down looking kind of like she just survived the apocalypse. She asks if I have any tylenol. Nope. She grabs a water out of our case and goes,

"I'm taking this."
"Okay, that'll be-"
"I'm with the management company."
"Okay-"
"You can still put it on my room. (Manager) can adjust it back off tomorrow."
"Uh...okay...what room is it?"
"302"

Then she walked off. I went to post the water to her room, confused on whether or not I should be using an employee discount or not if it's just getting adjusted off by the greater hotel powers, and she doesn't have a card on file. Because it's a comped room.

And no one is going to ask her for a buck in cash when she leaves.

So...I can either post it and look like a weirdo when management has to go back and have another small task to do because of me, or I can not post it and look lazy when management is asked by post-apocalypse lady to go back in but sees it isn't even there to begin with.

I'm so glad to be a part of management company folks taking stuff and putting me in awkward positions. I'm a part of a beautiful fucking machine. Making beautiful fucking things happen.


And I paid $1.25 for my diet coke.

-Wednesday

I Think You Have Your Answer

A couple of guys just walked in, announced their room numbers and the time they wanted wake up calls for. One of them had to double check he'd said the right room. Then he triple checked, JUST in case he said the wrong one out loud again.

As they head off to the elevator, I hear:

"...Wait, why did we leave the bar? They aren't closed yet. What are we doing back at the hotel?! How did we get here?"


Ahem, that's a good night, right there.

-Wednesday

The Cake Was Not, in Fact, a Lie.

Someone came in at the start of my shift tonight with a great big birthday cake and shared with everyone. Now there is blue dye on everything. But seriously...free cake! Woooooh!

Wooooooooooh!





A little while later I had a kid ask me if I could serve half a cheesecake. I wasn't entirely sure if he meant half of a cake, or half of a slice.

He meant half a slice.

I told him...I could serve him a slice and he could eat half of it...

He was dissatisfied with that option.



Lastly (for now) - we just had a big group of people spill out of a cab, make it halfway through the doors, stop suddenly in their tracks and loudly announce...

"THIS. IS NOT THE RIGHT HOTEL. No. This isn't right."
"Yes it is, man, this is the LOL Hotel! This is us!"
"No. THIS DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT."

Poor cabbie...

-Wednesday

Too Drunk for His Shorts

I just got flashed drunken man-ass. Yup.

So I'm hangin' out in the lobby while a new employee is learning to spread his own wings in the solitary realm of night auditing, when this fellow, who has been upstairs a few hours, comes down the elevators. He walks very carefully to the front desk and asks trainee for a new key.

Because he locked his in the room. With his wallet. When he came downstairs for a new key.

Because he locked his in his room.

With...with his wallet...

And we don't give keys out without ID, so I'm waiting for trainee to impress that fact upon drunk man. But it's hard to look. Because drunk man is playing with the belt loops on his shorts. And tugging them down. And back up again. So that I am repeatedly flashed one half of this man's cheeks. The top half.

Drunk man has to sit and have a glass of water to remember his name, address, and anything else we can use to make sure he's going...back...to the correct room, and only the correct room.

He finally gets us enough details and flashes me enough plumber's booty that he makes it back up to his room. I am battling nausea like a pro.

My retinas.

My...my retinas...

-Wednesday

Bottle will self destruct in 5... 4... 3...

It's been an awesome night. Weird, but awesome.

I had 81 folios to deliver, so instead of bending over 81 times, I experimented with staying bent over and twirling down the hallway, inch-high-stack of papers in hand.

I have no shame.

Around two or three in the marnin', a fella came in, stuck a pipe in his mouth, and sat down to work on his computer. I was going to let him know the hotel was non-smoking before I realized... he wasn't smoking it.

He was just holding it. In his mouth. While surfin' the web. For an hour.

Hey, whatever lights ya pipe.

Lastly, around 6:30, a guy came down with his receipt in hand. I thought maybe he was going to check out, but he had a question instead. He pointed to his receipt and said he had bought a water yesterday, but didn't see the charge on his room.

I told him I'd fix it if he felt like paying us two bucks and change...but if he didn't remember talking to me, I didn't remember talking to him, either.

This big, mischevious grin spread across his face, he waved his hands a little and went, "this conversation...never happened."

People can be awesomely adorable. :)

-Wednesday

Elevator Says Nope

A group of college kids just walked in, two fellas and a girl. The girl had a very tall bump of hair on top of her head and was complaining about how cold our lobby was.

They get to the elevators and the door on the first one closes. The girl shouts "Quick, just stick your hand in it!"

The guy thinks better of it and chooses the other elevator. I figure the first had probably been called to a higher floor, but as soon as the other one with the kids goes on up...

It opens back up, ready for business.

Take that, cold girl with silly hair.

-Wednesday

Burn off those calories before you eat 'em

Hey, guess what! I started working at a property next door, too. This one has vending machines. I'm just still new, so I don't quite have the property's layout memorized just yet. At least, not the vending machines...

So this fella calls down asking if we have vending machines. Yep. I'm not sure, though, if there are any on his floor, but I do tell him that he can check the end of the hallway, and that there are definitely machines on the first and third floors.

A few minutes later he comes through our front doors scowling at me.

"I just checked the third floor, and all it has is a coke machine!"
"Oh, I'm sorry about that, and the second floor was no luck either?" (You wanted...snacks...I'm guessing.)
"I didn't check it, you said it didn't have any! And the stairs don't let you get back into the second floor, and there's no door to the first, so I had to go outside just to get back to my room!"
That sucks, but...but it certainly sounds like the third floor door works just fine...could've taken the elevator, seeing as how it's raining outside?
"I'm sorry sir. There are some vending machines with snacks just around this corner."

He stood back there for about five minutes before picking something and taking a different set of stairs up to the second floor again, waving his munchies at me and saying something about snacks.


Hey, at least he worked off a little of that snack. Hopefully chocolate will calm the angry beast.

-Wednesday

Wake Up Call Success!

For those employees who are not aware of how to push buttons on a phone, OR who feel a guest who requests a 6:00 AM wakeup call is probably mistaken and actually wanted one at 8 AM instead, we have this handy guide now here at the LOL Hotel! It's taped right in front of our front desk phone, so everyone has a shot at wake up call success!

SUCCESS!

(Click the photo to make the success even bigger)

-Wednesday

Wooh. Sorry So Long!

I know I've been gone for a little while, and I'm sorry. A lot's been going down in my personal life, so I haven't had much patience for work, writing, or doing pretty much anything but those things which consume my personal life completely.

BUUUTTTT (haha, butts) I'm back! A lot of funny stuff has been happening that I haven't blogged about, but I can't remember it right now, because xanax is funny that way. So, short blog tonight, and funnier ones in the...FUUUUUUTURE! OooOOOOoooooOooooo...


Everyone's favorite drunkies just came in from you know, drinkin'. Actually I have no clue who they were but the drinking part was spot on. Anyhoo!

They order themselves some waters and snacks, and decide to set wake up calls. Mostly sober fellow requests a 6:45 AM call for his room, and asks if his friend wants one.

Sober: Hey man, you want a wake up call, too?
Drunkie: No, I'm okay over here, I have a muffin. A DELICIOUS MUFFIN.
Sober: Give him one for 6:45, too.
Drunkie: No, NO! Muffin.
Me: Worst that can happen is he hangs up on it, right?
Sober: Exactly.
Drunkie: ...Muffin...

I already like these fellas.



I also found the perfect picture to describe every single hotel guest between the hours of 5 and 8 AM:


See yous guys soon. :)
-Wednesday


P.S. - ...Why do cars keep pulling up and parking in the carport for an hour or two, then... just leaving...? O_o